(I wrote this post last year but am posting it for the first time now, before I start my new healing journey.)
A new year is upon us, and although 2015 had it’s MANY up’s, it also came with a lot of down’s for me, specifically the latter half of the year which is why I wanted to write this post today and get some things off my chest about what I experienced back in September of 2015, right before I was admitted to the Psychiatric ward at the local hospital for having a mental illness which Western Doctors diagnosed as ‘Psychosis’.
If you look up the meaning of psychosis, it is “A severe mental disorder in which thoughts and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality” and although I may have a different opinion about what happened to me, I can see why they would have labeled me with this particular diagnosis, as some of the things I did at the time would be considered downright “crazy” to everyone around me.
I have no excuses to give and believe that with the build-up of self-love, as well as using marijuana, I was able to access an ascended state of being as if I had been “tripping” on magic mushrooms. I used marijuana regularly for the past 5 years and nothing like this had ever happened to me before. Usually, it made me tired and hungry, and numbed myself of the inner and outer pain I felt on a daily basis. But in September, something happened to me that I just cannot explain. I had been hanging out with people who were encouraging me to quit my day job and “trust my path”, so that is exactly what I did, not realizing at the time that I still had to live in this reality and would still need a way to pay for basic living expenses. I was so “high” that I was not thinking clearly, and handed in my resignation at work, thinking I could live off the profits I would receive from publishing my book (which was not yet published. I was literally living in Dreamland). Thankfully, when I was in the hospital, my parents went into my work and explained what had happened to me and so they took back my resignation, and I am so thankful to have a job again, so that I can continue spreading love and light throughout my city as a bubbly receptionist. It may not be my dream job, but I am so thankful for it and all the people I work with and know I am to continue on this path right now.
So, here’s a little more back story on what happened to me during that time. My boyfriend had just moved out and I was to begin looking for a place of my own, and somehow, I feel that being in my own energy for those few days (and still using marijuana, which has hallucinogenic properties) set off something inside of me that I just don’t know how to explain. I remember one night in September, having the distinct realization that I was Gaia embodied (now that I’ve had time to ponder this, I realize we ALL are embodiments of Gaia, or Mother Earth) and I went outside and stared up at the night sky for a really long time, letting the truth of that realization fully sink into my being. I felt invincible, like I could do anything. I feel like a part of me was awake inside a dream, I really don’t know how else to explain everything that happened to me. My level of trust in the Creator, or Source, as I have come to call it, was so high that I literally did lose touch with this reality and said some pretty “out there” things to the people around me, which hurt and confused many of them. I cannot take any of that back but this is my attempt to better explain why I did the things I did.
That night, I had the realization that money is energy and decided to go and visit a friend by taking a cab to his apartment. When I was sitting outside, a cab pulled up and I decided to get inside and go for a ride to his apartment building. Once there, the cab driver turned around and asked for payment and I told him I did not need to pay with money, as I was paying with my love. He was a very nice man and sat there while I went up to the buzzer. Suddenly realizing I had left my phone at home and did not know the buzzer to get in, the cab driver, who was watching me, offered to drive me back home for free. It was a very bizarre scenario and one that I cannot really make sense of. Normally I would never do such a thing but I had such a high level of trust within me that I believed everything was being set up for me, that that cab driver was there for a reason and was there to help me. He dropped me back off at my apartment and I went inside and went on Facebook. I was very aware of the fact that there was something off about my Facebook newsfeed, and to me, it was as if I could see the subconscious thoughts of others. I know this sounds crazy but bare with me.
I started posting a bunch of “loopy” stuff on Facebook and believed I was communicating telepathically with the higher minds of all those around me, of course, I was the only one aware of this and therefore the things I was doing and posting did not make sense to anyone else around me. It’s a very confusing time for me to recall but i’m trying my best to remember it all.
That night, I don’t know how to explain this really, but I felt the energy of someone around me and this energy consciously connected me to Source, as weird as that may sound. It was the most amazing, blissful, wonderful feeling in the world and I stayed up all night, not being able to sleep after that experience. There was one instance, the next day, where I took my dog outside and decided to let him off his leash, thinking “He just wants to go chase the squirrals.” I had so much trust in Source that I didn’t even think twice about what I was doing, I just trusted that he would be okay. Once I took him off his leash, he stayed near me and followed me back to a clearing behind my apartment building at the time. One moment I was staring right at him, and the next, he literally vanished into thin air in front of my eyes. I am not sure if that is what actually happened but that is what I perceived. I thought to myself “He is with God or the angels, he is under their protection.” and the rest of the day I did not see him. That night, my ex boyfriend came over to see me and found out I had let our dog go. He was scared and angry and as he was asking me about what had happened, we heard barking outside. He ran downstairs and found our dog with a man who said he had found him “chasing squirrels” earlier that day. I thought that man was maybe an angel, but really he was just a resident in our building who was at the right place at the right time.
Once my parents arrived at our apartment, the police were called, who in turn called the mental health unit at the local hospital to come and assess me. I was in such a daze and appeared to look very spaced out, but on some level I knew I was okay and that I was experiencing something very mystical. I went to the hospital that night with my parents and after they assessed me, they sent me home and I spent the night at my parents house.
The next day, I woke up and went downstairs to the kitchen. I ripped up my parents bills and calendar, as I was very aware of the fact that time did not exist. To them, this was very concerning and they spent the day with me, watching me very closely. I watched some TV and thought the TV was sending me signs, it was as if I could communicate with the higher selves of everyone on the TV, and to my parents, I was acting delusional. Again, I can’t fully explain what happened in full detail because you would not understand. At one point I thought I was communicating telepathically with the CIA and told EVERYONE on my Facebook about this “fact”, which obviously was not true. It is like I was dreaming but I was awake inside my dream, dreaming lucidly and it was as if the two worlds had blended into one. I was in a dreamworld and was doing things in my external reality that just did not make sense to anyone else. That night, for the first time in my life, I realized I could not feel the emotions of my Father and I was so happy at this fact. I ran outside and screamed at the top of my lungs “I did it!” and that is when the police were called a second time and I was brought back to the hospital. While in the hospital, I decided to write about everything I was experiencing, which I will share with you below. Please note that the writings reflected my “high” or “ascended” state of mind at the time and that is why you will hear some odd things that I never would have done under normal circumstances.
Thurs. Sept 10, 2015:
“Mom and dad’s fears came to visit me Thursday night while I was in my apartment. It was fairly late when they visited – could have been middle of the night. They called the police who in turn called someone from the Mental Health Unit to come and assess mental health concerns they had about me. Two men showed up and asked me a few questions. I could tell they seemed very nervous, one of them was experiencing tics and I felt like my energy was healing him. They then took me to the hospital and my parents followed in their van.
They were all concerned because I had let our dog, Shadow, off the leash and he’d been roaming around all day. “Synchronistically enough”, Shadow appeared 5 minutes later with a kind man from our building who had found him chasing squirrels. We heard him barking outside in the midst of our quarrel and they went outside and retrieved him right away.
Once at the hospital, they checked me in at Emerg and I sat with my mom in the waiting room for a bit while my dad parked the van. Once we were all together, they took the 3 of us into a private room and began asking me questions. I answered everything honestly and to the best of my knowledge, even admitting to my marijuana usage in front of my parents.
While sitting with my parents and attempting to consciously transmute some of their anxious energy, I saw aspects, or archetypes of several people in my life that had passed on in the waiting room. We left an hour later and I went home with my parents for the night to sleep at their house. We went straight to bed and I woke up at their house the next morning.
Fri. Sept 11, 2015:
I spent all day Friday with my parents at their house, consciously helping them release their unconscious fears, worries and concerns about me. I ripped up their calendar, scrap notes, grocery lists, bills, and threw their eyeglasses out as those items all represented parts of the ‘old world paradigm’ that I have been consciously releasing this past year and a half. I was simply setting the stage for the next moment or ‘scene’. They were not happy. But I had to do it.
I watched some TV with them and saw how the shows and commercials we were watching had a lot of hidden symbolism in them that I deeply resonated with. Anytime I felt anger, irritation, etc arise in my consciousness, I knew I was absorbing my parents emotions and I had to go outside many times to get fresh air in order to help them let go of the past.
Later that night, I stood up to my Father and realized I could no longer feel his fears about me or his emotions. I was finally free. I distanced myself from his expression of anger and celebrated by dancing, running and screaming in joy down the sidewalk “I did it!” There was not even one active car on the road at the time but the neighbours called the cops and told them I was running in traffic. When the cops arrived, I went with them willingly as I had done nothing wrong. My parents followed in their van.
Once at the hospital for the 2nd night in a row, I sat in the Emerg waiting room and was eventually given my own room (resembling a prison cell) where I stayed for the next 4 days. After my parents left, I went into the room they had been sitting in and could feel the anxious energies all around me. It was my first full night here, and it was the scariest night for me. I was interviewed/asked questions by several doctors and specialists. Some of the questions they asked me were “Are you on drugs?” (No, I was not at the time) “Do you take drugs?” (Yes, I did admit to that) “Have you ever thought about hurting yourself or others?” (No, never).
I could feel the frustrations of the guards outside my door and knew I was being tested. So, I decided to take a few moments and truly play into the role of a ‘crazy’ person. I knew there was a camera in the room documenting my every move so I threw a bunch of stuff around the room and at the door. I screamed at the top of my lungs and shouted to the camera “This is what a crazy person looks like!”
I also went into the hallway naked to prove a point that I am not ashamed of my body. I love it just the way it is. I transmuted many of the guards judgmental thoughts and made them come to the surface. (I do promise to keep my clothes on from now on… haha)
Because of my calm energy, I was immediately able to balance and recenter myself to a neutralized state of being. They took my blood pressure and body temperature several times during my stay here. They kept me closely monitored. They then put me into the straps attached to the bed and that was the most fear I had felt arise in me for as long as I can remember. While in the straps, they took a blood sample from me. They told my parents that I had failed my toxicology tests. This would be because of the marijuana I had consumed the day prior. While in the straps, I could feel the fears of all those who had been in this situation before. Many tears came to the surface and I cried and screamed for several minutes. My Faith and trust in myself and God was starting to dwindle for the first time in 17 months, and that was when I knew that this too, was a test. I was being consciously tested via the sliding scale of emotion to see how quickly I could rebalance myself. Once I realized this, I calmed myself down and was able to slip my hands out of the wrist straps. A very nice psycho therapist came in and asked me how I was. She gave me a pillow for the night and removed the ankle straps from me and lowered the bed rail so that I could have more room.
A nurse came in and gave me 3 pills to help me sleep. I slept for 7-8 hours straight that night.
Sat. Sept 12-Sun. Sept 13, 2015:
When I woke up, I felt very groggy and out of it. Actual time during the next day or so was hard for me to discern so I cannot remember exact details of these 2 days. I was not yet writing any details down so it was all a big blur to me.
My mom, dad and sister came to visit me. My dad was wearing a red Budweiser shirt that said “Good times are waiting” and my sister wore a royal blue sweater and I complimented her on it and told her it was one of my favourite colours. My sister showed me a video of my niece and nephew. In the video, my niece looked sad and told me she hoped I was “getting help”. My little nephew was silent and smiling from ear to ear like a little monkey!
I spent much of my time in this room napping. I also got daily showers and could go to the bathroom whenever I needed to. They also fed me breakfast, lunch and dinner. Some of the meals they gave me included packaged banana bread with cheddar cheese, croissants with butter and cheese whiz, yogurt, orange juice, tuna/egg salad/salmon sandwiches, vegetarian Shepard’s pie, curry with rice, carrots and ranch dip, macaroni and cheese with peas, turkey, mashed potatoes, wild salmon with rice pilaf, cheese pizza, etc. Everything was very processed and I could not sense the life force in any of the food. It was not made with love.
Before bed on Sunday, they gave me 2 pills to sleep. I took them willingly to co-operate with them and had a nice, long sleep that night.
Mon. Sept 14, 2015:
My parents came to visit me again and brought me a bag of things for me to do so I wouldn’t be so bored. They brought a book of mine called “Women who run with the Wolves”, a colouring book, blank paper, crayons, and my cozy blanket from the beach. Mom was wearing a deep violet sweater and I complimented her on it. The psycho-therapist came to see us briefly and she answered any questions my parents had.
I got only one pill tonight. I asked the nurse if I could switch rooms tonight but she said that was not a possibility. She instead brought me a snack (a plate of cheese, crackers and apple juice).
I then went to sleep for the night.
Tues. Sept 15, 2015:
It is now 7:15am and I had a terrible sleep. The guards outside my door kept me up for two hours so I don’t feel as rested today. And now, there is drilling going on upstairs or outside. It is going to be a long day.
It is 9:40am now and I have had two nurses come and see me. A doctor has also come to see me. I was given breakfast and had my blood pressure taken and was asked more questions.
It is 10:30am now and one of the Resident doctors came in and asked if they could do an ultrasound on me for training purposes. I obliged.
3 doctors came into my room with the ultrasound machine and I laid down and followed their instructions. They could not find my bladder so now I am drinking two large cups of water so that I can have a full bladder when they come back in 30 minutes. The ultrasound went well and the doctors were thankful that I participated. One of the doctors is going to see if I can go outside today for some fresh air (the final verdict was no).
They also hooked me up to a heart monitor machine today to test my heart.
Wed. Sept 16, 2015:
They moved me up to the Psychiatric ward today and I have a comfier bed, a roomate and a big, beautiful window that overlooks my city. My ex came and brought me Starbucks treats and he also went to Chapters and bought me an art therapy Garden/flower colouring book. We watched some tv together in the common room and then he had to leave. I have already met a lot of people here. I played cards with two people on my floor and one of them was so excited to hear about my journey to self-love.
My sister also came to visit me today and she got me tea from Tim Horton’s. We had a good chat, and it is nice to know she is in support of my healing journey. She only wants the best for me. I spent the night watching tv with all of the new friends I have made up here. We watched a movie on AMC called ‘Hoodlums’ and I thought it was very well done.
I called it a night at 10:30pm but first, one of the ladies on my floor talked to me about EFT (Emotional freedom technique or “tapping”). She even gave me an info sheet on it!
Thurs. Sept 17, 2015:
I am hopeful that this is my last day in the hospital. I have increased in sensitivity so I am living within 2 different worlds now. Although my first couple of days on this floor went well, I am aware that some people on my floor have distanced themselves from me. I am sure that my light is very strong so I cannot blame them. Many of them are still working/creating/living within aspects of fear and I have removed myself from interacting with them now.
Things that made me smile today:
I listened to Much Music with a 60-year-old man on my floor for 4 hours straight earlier. Music has been my saviour while I’ve been here. I even had him singing and moving to the beat!
I gave the art therapy book away to a girl on my floor because I thought she might need it more then me.
A beautiful arrangement of lime green and white flowers were delivered to my room. Sent by a co-worker and her family. They were beautiful so I put them on the coffee table in the common room so that everyone could enjoy them. It was the next best thing to going outside.
Fri. Sept 18, 2015:
Will someone please come and rescue me? I am going crazy here. This place makes me feel insane. Not being allowed daily fresh air is not right. I am very unhappy today.
It is now 9:20pm. A lot of people got to leave today and new patients arrrived. My spirits felt quite low today so I asked if I could go outside and walk around the hospital to get some fresh air. They gave me a 1 hour pass. I wanted them to know they could trust me so I was back in 45 minutes. My parents also came to see me – but it was a very brief visit as all I could feel and sense was their fears about me using marijuana. They reiterated the fact that I need help so I immediately asked them to leave my room. I also got rotten berries at dinner tonight so I wrote on the napkin “Are you intentionally trying to kill us? Thx for the rotten berries.” and placed it back on my tray with my name card. Usually I always write a note of thanks after my meal but not today!
Sat. Sept 19, 2015:
Today was a wonderful day! I got an 8 hour pass offsite so my friend came and picked me up and I got to spend the whole day with him. I took a nice, relaxing shower and he even did some laundry for me. His family friend was up to visit for a couple of hours so we all went out for a late lunch. It was SO GOOD. Talk about food that is made with love! We all shared the garlic parmesan frites with sundried tomato aioli, and I ordered pad thai with tofu as my main entree. He ordered the chicken caesar salad and his family friend ordered the bacon, chicken and brie wrap. We shared the cinnamon sugar churros for dessert with caramel sauce and whipped cream. Everything was SO good.
Sun. Sept 20, 2015:
My time here at the hospital has definitely been a learning experience. It is turning into another adventure on this journey I am on. When I am out of here I want to share my experience and make some suggestions about how these facilities operate. First of all, the word ‘hospital’ should be scrapped immediately and replaced with the term ‘Healing Centre’ as words carry vibrations. We also need to replace the kitchen here with a ‘Farmacy’ where local, fresh and organic food is offered at every meal. Enough with the limp, lifeless veggies! The food here should be blessed and made with loving, healing intentions. This simple task could work wonders to support the unique recovery process of each patient.
I was flipping through a decor magazine just now and saw the most perfect visual to get me through my time here. It is a picture of a resort called ‘The Four Seasons Resort Punta Mita’. The image is breathtaking. It is of a hottub/infinity pool overlooking the Pacific coast, with 2 margherita glasses perched on a lounge chair next to it. I am envisioning me and someone special relaxing in that tub once I am out of here. I ripped the pic out of the magazine and it is now on my bedside table so I can look at it anytime I want.
Mon. Sept 21, 2015:
I was not given my dinner tonight (I assume they just missed my name) and I had no visitors today so my spirit felt quite low. They let me go outside for an hour pass so I went and sat on the swings outside. As I was swinging, a bus pulled up across the lane and there was an Arby’s ad on the side that said “Hungry much?” so I decided to take the bus and go on a little adventure in search of dinner, knowing I had no money on me.
I asked the female bus driver if the bus went downtown and she said yes. I asked her if she would take me and she said “You don’t have any money?” to which I replied that no, I did not. She was very nice and told me to hop on. I asked for a transfer so that I could get back to the hospital afterwards.
We saw a beautiful rainbow and the bus driver and I were so excited to see it because it had not even rained today. I got off the bus at the core of downtown and started walked East. I got about 20 steps before I saw my friend and co-worker and her son! She offered to buy me dinner so we went to McDonald’s and she bought me a wrap. It was very kind of her to do that for me. She also gave me 2 cigarettes and I REALLY enjoyed smoking them, haha. We then parted ways and I circled the block and caught the 7:45 bus back to the hospital. I made it back with 3 minutes to spare and watched the Emmy’s in the common room. It was a magical day.
Tues. Sept 22, 2015:
I was taken for an EEG which meant that they hooked me up to these little wiry circuit things (they put them all over my head) to detect my brain activity. I just had to sit and relax and follow the technician’s simple instructions to open/close my eyes and breathe deeply. She also used a strobe light that I had to stare at with my eyes open and closed. Later on, they called me to do a CT scan. I was also interviewed by a medical student who was very curious about my case.
I learned today that my some of my family members took it upon themselves to move all of my things out of my apartment. They threw out all of my crystals, journals, & spiritual books and I was not able to go through any of my stuff. This makes me very sad.
I am loving life despite all this chaos I am journeying through. I know there must be a light at the end.
Last night we watched an awards show on Much Music and they performed my favourite song of the moment, ‘Cheerleader’ by Omi. I just HAD to dance so I pushed the coffee table aside and asked the old man that always sits in there to dance with me. It was very cool and I could tell it made him very happy that I had asked him to dance.
Tonight I was playing checkers with one of the girls on my floor and a girl came in who I could tell needed assistance. I sat with her and held loving space for her. I helped feed her pudding and put her socks on for her. I walked her to her room and saw it was very messy and her bed was unmade and all crumpled. I folded her clothes and remade her bed so she could have a cozy sleep tonight. She is only 34 years old. I spoonfed her ice chips and sat with her until she fell asleep. When I was tucking her in she started crying a little and said she was very cold. I rubbed her back and tried my best to soothe her.
Fri. Sept 25, 2015:
Today has been a strange day. I was not able to get a hold of my lawyer (I am fighting my Form as I do not feel like I need to be here any longer). A nurse came into my room and asked me if I had ever had any seizures, to which I said no. He tried to persist and I became very uncomfortable so I asked him to leave my room. I was also just visited by a Neurologist who did some muscle and reflex tests on me. He came back later with another specialist who said my EEG results showed some sort of pattern of experiencing seizures, but I confirmed I had never had a seizure before (at least to my conscious knowledge). I will spend the rest of my weekend writing my story about the journey I am on so I can read it at the hearing on Monday. I am very excited to be given a chance to speak. This is my time to shine.
I honestly don’t know why I felt the need to share this experience with all of you, it is just something I have been wanting to get off my chest.
I will write more soon.
Love & Light,